Off the Crossbar: The Newest Ovechkin Threat

Alex Ovechkin, Editor's Choice, Humor, Off the Crossbar, Top Story, Washington Capitals

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Move over, Connor McDavid. Look out, Sidney Crosby. Get out of the way, Taylor Hall. Here comes Sergei Aleksandrovich Ovechkin. The less-than-a-month-old baby is already taking the hockey world by storm.

McDavid and Crosby

McDavid, Crosby and 2018 Hart Trophy winner Taylor Hall (not pictured) had better be prepared to step aside. (Perry Nelson-USA TODAY Sports)

Born to Washington Capitals superstar, Alex Ovechkin and his wife, Nastya, Sergei entered the world on Saturday, Aug 18, 2018. His birthdate–8/18/2018–is rather befitting for the child of “The Great Eight.” Like his father, he’s a big boy, weighing in at nine pounds, six ounces. That’s not including the feather-lite Dynasty HD1 105 Flex stick that was in his left hand at birth.

Sergei Ovechkin

After winning the Cup, Ovi’s month-long bender hit a high note when he and Nastya held their new son in their arms for the first time. Thankfully, Sergei has his mother’s eyes and nose. He also has his father’s heavy, laser-like shot and about as many teeth as his old man. The smooth-skating youngster is named after his uncle, Alex’s brother, who died following a car accident when Alex was just 10-years old.

Ovechkin wasted little time getting Sergei on ice. Once the cord was cut, the family went for a skate on a secluded rink near his hometown. The proud papa had commissioned several pair of custom-fitted skates for his bundle of joy. Sergei’s first pair were bronzed and finished in an antique pewter. The second pair were worn only once and are already on display at the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto.

Hockey Hall of Fame

Sergei’s skates are already in the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto (Ian Muttoo/Flickr)

In his first week of life, Sergei got his legs under him and soon joined a peewee house league. “Most kids his age are, well, just peeing,” said carpenter by day, coach by night, Vladimir Kabushnokov. “He’s already dominating this pee wee league.”

Sergei is skating through the legs of his opposition. He’s changing his wet gloves—and diapers—between periods. He’s bringing to life the expression of scoring “top shelf where mama hides the cookies.” Nastya has already replaced a dozen broken cookie jars and cleaned up hundreds of shattered Oreos in their kitchen.

Less than a month into his career, Sergei is already scoring in a league with nine- and ten-year-olds. He’s filling the net faster than he’s filling diapers. He’s shattering records faster than his father did.

Interest in Sergei

Several NHL teams have already started to heavy up on 2036 first round picks, when Sergei will likely be draft eligible. Many scouting reports have him in their top ten prospect lists.

There have also been special petitions circulating to make him draft eligible early. If Bettman green lights the idea, Sergei will challenge Jack Hughes as the odds-on favorite to be drafted first overall in 2019. The Caps have made initial plans to trade up so that they can draft him. It would be the first father-son combination of such note since Marty and Mark played with Mr. Hockey–Gordie Howe, himself in 1979-80 with the Hartford Whalers.

The Summer of Ovi

It’s been a whirlwind few months for ???? (Russian for ‘papa or daddy’) Ovechkin. The 32-year-old proclaimed the Capitals were “not going to be suck this year,” then backed up his words with 49 goals, leading the franchise to its first-ever Stanley Cup in franchise history. The Russian superstar also was awarded the Conn Smythe Trophy as the playoff’s most valuable player. Becoming a first-time father takes the (Russian tea) cake.

Ever since Ovi’s Capitals defeated the Vegas Golden Knights in five games, pure joy has enveloped the happy-go-lucky sniper. His raucous and care-free celebrations have been witnessed on social media while whooping it up in the Las Vegas Strip, water fountains, and night clubs.

Ovi purposefully celebrated to the extreme, knowing that this would be the last time he could until Sergei is much older. Now, with a son and all the responsibilities he brings, he’ll be alternating bubble baths for his little one and ice baths for himself. He’ll be reading bedtime stories for Sergei while making his own headlines on the ice. His weekend highlights are lucky to include errands at Baby stores and if lucky, The Home Depot.

Fatherhood for Ovi

The left winger recently posted an image of his son on Instagram, captioning it in Russian: “Thank you my girl for the very best day of my life.”

Adjusting to fatherhood has been tough for Ovechkin. He’s already driving a minivan, grooming a dad bod, and in a sleep-deprived stupor, confusing diaper bags with hockey bags. He’s trading in hat tricks for binkies, passes for pacifiers, and slap shots for burp cloths.

Here’s wishing Sergei and the entire Ovechkin family all the best.

 

*Relax. It’s satire.


Enjoy more ‘Off the Crossbar’ columns.


 

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